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Falling in love is one thing, sustaining a happy relationship another.
As a therapist, I see many of my female clients making the same mistakes repeatedly. I’ve observed the rules of the game, played it myself and here are some of the mistakes many of us do unknowingly in our relationships.
1. I am a Superwoman! Do everything on my own!
As much as a man is impressed by an independent and strong woman, he also can run away quickly from her, although this isn’t because he is weak. A man needs to feel like a man, and it is his woman that will make him feel this way. And here is the thing – A man has a very basic need to feel useful, to be the hero of his woman. If you never ask him for any help, if you correct everything that he does you are telling him – I do not need you, I can do it better myself – you are USELESS! No one wants to feel this way, so you have made him feel inferior, he is not needed, so he leaves.
Stop doing this! Next time you need help, for example lifting something, just ask for help (not in a demanding way, but nicely and kindly)
And after he helped you always finish with “Thank you, I APPRECIATE IT”
2. You are my everything! My life is nothing without you!
This is bullshit, a completely wrong concept of a healthy relationship that has been fed into us by Hollywood romance movies. No one can be everything! It is simply impossible and silly to expect one human being to satisfy all your needs – to be your partner, lover, best friend, father, business mentor, yoga buddy, handyman. So be realistic in your expectations of your man.
Also, your life should be exciting and fulfilling enough for you. When people come together in a relationship, they should bring their fulfilling lives together and enrich each other. To keep each other interested you should not lose yourself in the relationship by stop seeing your friends, stop doing what you love, because he doesn’t do it and so on. Also, if you are waiting to start living your life 100% when you meet your partner … well, guess what, you will never live your life 100%, as your life is YOURS, not your partners. It is not your partner's job to define your life, this is your job.
3. Offering your help without being asked.
As women we love helping, gathering and sharing, this is what women do. We expect help even without us asking. And among women, this happens a lot and it is OK. But this is the exact opposite of what man does and wants! Men operate completely differently. If your man is trying to fix the car, for example, he will try and try and try until he exhausts all the options, and ONLY when he has admitted to himself, he can’t do it he will ASK for help. And when a man asks his friend for help, the friend will be honored to help as he knows his friend has tried all.
What women do is, the minute we see our man do something we feel the urge to ask “aw babe do you need any help, aw do you want me to hold this” … etc. This annoys him, because with your actions you are telling him – “you cannot do this, you are not capable or smart enough” and so on. You make him feel like a loser, like a boy that needs mum’s help. You do not want to be his mum! Next time you see a man do something, just leave him to do it and wait for him to ask you for help. He will love you for leaving him to do it on his own and will respect you for not interfering. When he comes back, just ask him “is it all done?” - “Well done babe, you are so good, smart, etc” – “do you want a drink?” And that’s it.
4. If you love me you should make me happy!
When we fall in love, we feel a kind of natural urge to make the other person feel good. It is kind of magical, all the hormones of happiness are flooding in our brain, boosting our mood, energy, sex drive, we just feel good. With time we get used to the person, those hormones decrease and then we sober up and start looking for validation for the lack of magic. So, we start picking on negative things, wondering; Why he is not making me happy as before? Does he love me still?
He is still the same person, he still loves you, but neither you nor he can keep those hormone levels static. And neither should you depend on him to do so. It is not his job, but yours to make yourself happy. If you give him the job to make you happy, you also give him the authority to take it away from you. So, your happiness is your responsibility. Do things that make you feel good, that uplift you, that make you grow. This way you will keep his interest and those hormones up for longer.
5. Trying to change him and being critical to what he does
For example smoking – he is smoking more than before and this pisses you off and you start preaching – “I don’t like those cigarettes, when we kiss I can still feel the taste, the car smells, please stop this, I cannot stand it” - what he hears is that you want him to change for you because you do not like it. Well guess what, he will probably resist it, as you are pointing finger at him. He will go into defense mode and stop listening to you. It is hard to stop smoking anyway, so why make it even harder. By criticizing him, you make him feel guilty and angry, which will stress him out and will make him want the cigarette even more.
However, if you are coming from a different place, where yes you do not like it, but your primary thought is of care for him and you say “You have been coughing a lot recently, it seems to be affecting you badly, those cigarettes are doing you no good, you need to stop this for your own benefit! And just think of all the money you will save wow” Here you make it about him, not about you. You want him to be better!
It is only right to ask your partner to change if it is for their good. At the end of the day, you have chosen him as he is, and no one is perfect. If you start criticizing him for what he is or do, just because you do not like it, you will simply grow apart. No one likes to be criticized nonstop.
So, if you are doing the above 5 mistakes, please stop as you are gradually pushing the man away.
Hope the above had been helpful to you.
Please remember that :
We can only love others to the level we love ourselves and others can love you to the degree they love themselves.
So, your short cut to true love is to first fall in love with yourself.
And this is what I help all my clients achieve.
I help women find their worth by working with their powerful subconscious mind! Showing them how to use it to have an uncompromised life!
I use Rapid Transformational Therapy, a method that unlocks your full potential in as little as one session and then I guide you through a month of true transformation. At the end of the process, you won’t remember the old version of yourself that came to me with the bag of issues.
And remember you are lovable, you are enough and it is time for you to believe it too!
Curious to know more check my website: www.evatherapy.com
Join my FB group of Lady-Boss women at:
Much love,
Elitsa
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